Hiding depression is one of the hardest parts of being depressed; for those depressed people who choose to hide in the darkness, anyway. Not every depressed person hides. Here’s the struggle for a hider: you want people to help you (kind of), but you want to keep the darkness a secret. What would people do if they found out? Mostly, it depends on who they are.
My niece recently wrote a post about how she has struggled with depression and self-inflicted injuries. Comments people wrote were mostly about how strong she is to talk about it, and how she doesn’t have to live alone in her pain. However, I have lived in darkness much, much longer than she has. I have also hidden it for about 99% of that time. I’m not sure if I’m an anomaly, or if there are more like me out there. I prefer to hide my darkness (and in my darkness if possible). I can’t even share my blog on Facebook or with friends and family because I’m afraid they’ll find out its me.
I choose to hide. Some days that’s very hard. Some days I want to reach out. For example, I want to comment on my niece’s post about how I share her struggle. But I can’t, because that would expose my darkness. I choose not to expose.
Other times, the difficulty is in a slip of the tongue, when I might put myself down or mention how my health doesn’t matter. People are usually surprised by talk like that, and I catch myself. I say, “No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Even thought I did mean it exactly like that. I don’t care about my health. I don’t care about how I look, or how I appear (as long as the darkness stays hidden).
To this end, I continue to bathe. I wear clothes that wouldn’t draw attention to myself. I’m not about to go off the rails and passively announce my darkness by acting like a depressed person. I’m going to keep it hidden, and at all costs.
Here’s what I think: I think there are 2 types of depressed people. There are those who commit suicide (or if they were to commit suicide) people would say, “Yeah, I could see that coming. They were always sad, and hurting so bad. It was obvious they needed help.” Then there are those who commit suicide (or, again, if they were to commit suicide) people would say, “I had no idea they were hurting that bad. I wish I could have done more, but I had no idea. There was no clue to us that they were this torn up inside.”
I think I fall into the second category. If people only knew of the darkness inside me, they would be shocked. If I were to ever commit suicide, people would say things about having no idea there was even an issue. Until after the fact. As they find notes I’ve written, and journals I’ve kept. My darkness is a secret – one I’ll likely take to the grave. Not all depressed people are sad on the outside. Some are hiding in the shadows of life.
If you’re a person that wants to help someone like me (or any depressed person for that matter), don’t try to find someone in a dark place and get them out. Don’t even try to figure out who is depressed and who isn’t – unless you happen to know someone who is obviously depressed – then here is my advice: Just try to keep everyone you meet in a good state of mind. Talk to people. Treat everyone with kindness and ask a lot of questions. Make people feel important to you.
As a secret darkness holder, I’m not going to tell you about my darkness, but my darkness subsides when I’m with people who seem to genuinely be interested in me. I think everyone likes to have people that are interested in them, no matter what kind of depressed they are. No matter what kind of darkness someone might have inside them, most people like to be liked. Even if I’m not in the mood to talk, there have been people in my life that get me talking. I don’t have the secrets as to how they are capable of doing that – because that would never be who I am. But my best guess, is they simply like to find out about others. They like to ask questions. They like others to do more talking than they do.
That’s probably why it’s so hard for most people to help others, they want to talk about themselves. I don’t know if it’s simply the time we live in, the generational differences, or exactly what the culprit is, but definitively people are selfish – this keeps the darkness flourishing for everyone. Some people hide from the darkness, some people hide in the darkness, and some people are successful at running from the darkness (I envy these people).
Where are you? Where is your darkness?
One thing that so many people do not understand about suicidal people is that they are blind to the greater reality. They are trapped in their own reality, and it is very real to them. The greater reality is of no use or consequence. When a person is depressed, no amount of encouraging words will generally help.
It’s either light or dark, midnight or noon, happy or sad. That’s how most moods run for people (or so it seems). For me, it’s either darkness or less dark. Today is dark. Like dark dark; it’s 12 o’clock, but not noon, it’s midnight. I’m definitely sad, down, straight up depressed.
Most people remember right where they were during major events in their life. I can remember every moment surrounding the tragedy of 9/11. I remember it was my one month wedding anniversary. It was also my 2nd day of work at my new job, and I listened to the radio all the way to work. My wife, as per her typical, left her keys in my car the night before. I had to tell my new boss that I had to leave work and drive all the way back home to give my wife her keys (on my 2nd day of work). I continued listening to the radio all the way, and watched the second plane hit when I got to the apartment. I remember watching and being dumbfounded by the pictures on the screen.
Sad Stated Affairs 